I remember this...

I remember this feeling.
It is like an old friend,
long separated by busy lives,
plagued with guilt during the separation
(and then avoidance when the guilt is at its worst).

How happy the reunion!
There is pain because of the time that has passed-
the moments that were missed during
the weeks of silence,
but the desire to connect again is sincere and true.

I remember this feeling.
Muscles screaming from exertion and exhaustion.
Alive, awake, present in the moment.
Fighting through self-imposed limits.
Sweating through bondibands and workout clothes.

.....  and wanting more.

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What is new this time around is my network of support.  Crystal, Jen, Ann-Marie and I are really holding each other accountable.  We are not all doing the same plan.  We do not all have the same goals, but we are helping each other through to accomplish our own goals.  I am so pumped to get over to the Will Run For Cake blog each day (or sometimes more) and update on my progress and my goals.

If you have not had true support/accountability before, FIND IT.  It has made all the difference!  (For me, anyway!)

Curious about something....

The past two days when I have been doing my Leslie Sansone walking exercise, instead of marching in place I have been running in place!  Oh WOW does it feel good to be active again!

I noticed something though.
Yesterday, I wore my Asics, which are not motional control or stability, which I have been told that I need, and I felt great.

This morning, I wore my New Balance running shoes, and I am finding that I just do not like them.  I have never really liked them.  Let me remind you of my running shoe drama.  My first pair of running shoes were Brooks Ariels.  I totally loved them.  Until I realized that they were too small, and I was over-correcting in my stride which led to hip issues.  I returned them, but the store didn't have my Ariels in 11.5, which I needed.  So I ended up with clunky New Balances.  Which the only plus was that they didn't hurt my hip.  And the colors.  And the laces.  Okay.. they weren't awful.  But they weren't my Brooks.

So this morning, having had the direct comparison from my other sneakers, I realized that the pain on my left foot, on the joint under my pinky toe, is not supposed to be there in shoes that fit well.

Argh.

I don't know what to do.
I suppose that I COULD return THESE shoes, too.... but that feels really cheap.  I have put almost 100 miles in them. So I think that I am just going to deal with it until I am able to buy my Ariels in size 11.5.

Yup.
Thanks for helping me work that out, internet!

Accountability and a Challenge

Writing myself a letter seemed to really help.

It started some fabulous conversations with Jen and Crystal which led to something that I think we are all pretty excited about.

Accountability is a very powerful thing.  I hate letting people down.  If I know that people are expecting certain things from me, I will bend over backwards to try and make it happen.  Unless, of course, it involves eating pickles.  Then I am just.... ugh.  Won't even attempt it.

So when Jen and I were conversing about being in the same place -- 

(the middle of a damaging and boring and helpless cycle) we decided to hold each other accountable.

Then we got Crystal in the mix.

What we are going to do is make weekly contracts to each other regarding food, activity -- whatever we need to help us stay on track with WHATEVER we need to be on track for.

Jen and I will be weighing in on Mondays.

Contracts will be due, posted on our Will Run For Cake blog by Sunday evenings.

I plan on putting everything in there.  But... we'll see.  :)

Having a plan is already helping me.

I officially started using MyFitnessPal and wow.  I didn't have to spend hours  several tries searching for my specific foods to enter.  It remembered the foods I entered, which is awesome, because I am DEFINITELY a creature of habit.  I love the look of the food diary, and the way that it calculates in exercise calories.  So far, I am loving it!

If you use MyFitnessPal and want to friend me, my username is Meredith713.

:)

And... if you could use some accountability, then feel free to join us.  More people making you feel guilty when you cheering you on when you succeed is always a good thing!

A Letter to Myself

Dear Meredith,

I have watched you suffer.  I have watched you agonize over the way your clothes fit, nevermind the image coming back at you from the mirror.  I have been there with you when you struggled to stay positive and upbeat.

I know that you don't feel like a runner right now.
(Perhaps it is because you haven't been running?)

I know that it is not safe to run outside right now.  The roads, while mostly clear, are much narrower because of the huge snowdrifts.  And then the after-school commitments that are keeping you busy much later than convenient to get a run in before picking up the boys at daycare.

May I make an observation? (or seven?)

1.  You are an amazing cheerleader.  You come along side and help people meet their goals. You encourage, support and motivate.  Let's try to get some of that encouragement love back to YOU? Sound good?

2.  Any exercise REALLY IS better than no exercise.  Yes- a Leslie Sansone walking video DOES NOT FEEL bada$$, but... who cares.  It gets your heart-rate up, and gets you moving.  Do you remember in 2008 when you lost 50 pounds and the only thing you did was stop eating when you weren't hungry, and those Leslie Sansone videos that you were just disparaging?  Yeah.  (Yes, there was also a WHOLE lot of prayer and Bible study and surrendering to the Lord happening at that time too.  Don't think you couldn't use a little bit more of that right now, too!!)


3. Jillian Michaels KNOWS WHAT SHE IS TALKING about.  If the lunges hurt your knees, then maybe your form is off.  Let's do the 30 Day Shred again. Come on. You are worth doing SOMETHING.

4. Your friend Jen made an incredibly profound point on her blog.  The bad choices, the lazy approach, and not being intent about the healthy journey IS NOT EASY.  It is actually harder, because of the guilt, and self-loathing and doubt that result.  LEARN FROM THIS.  

5.  What tastes good in the moment you WON'T EVEN REMEMBER eating 20 minutes from now.  You KNOW this is true.  Think about those brownies you made yesterday.  Yup.  20 minutes later you wanted more.  And more.  Not a very healthy cycle, is it?

6.  You are worth more.  God created this body to do amazing things. Are you going to HELP or HINDER the journey?

7. God WANTS you to be healthy.  He is WAITING for you to realize that you can't do this alone.


Okay...
I think I have give you enough to think about.
I love you, and I miss the you that felt she could conquer the world. Can we try, one decision at a time, to get her back??

More love than you could know,

ME