Weigh-in Wednesday: The Learning Curve

For the last five minutes I have been muttering to myself about writing this post.


"grumblemuttergrumble accountability grumblemuttergrumble"


You see, I was going to let this weigh-in slide. 
Nothing to report.
Why even mention it?


And then I remembered last Wednesday.
Where I am pretty sure I talked about being accountable. 
And owning my journey.
And stuff like that.


FINE.


Starting Weight (July 6th):  275 lbs
Previous Weight (July 20th):  269 lbs
Current Weight: 269 lbs
+/- this week:  0
Total lost: 6 lbs


Am I happy?  No.
Did I expect this?  No.
Should I have expected this based on effort? HECK YES.




Giving myself a chance to process, here are some things that I learned this week.


I need to track ALL of my calories.  I need to stop guessing how much I am eating.  I need to stop assuming I am under and that it will be fine.  Because I am either NOT under, and it is NOT fine, or I am TOO far under, and I it is still NOT FINE.


I need to expect that this is going to be a slower process than I want it to be.  I will NOT fit into my cool teacher clothes by August 31st.  I need to find a way to be okay with where I am (and who I am) right now.


I need to keep my body moving. I feel empowered when I exercise.  I feel strong when I exercise.  


I need to track my measurements so that I have something ELSE besides the scale to measure my success.


I am worth the effort and the discipline that this is going to take.


This blog is doing its job.  Here I am, instead of just ignoring a stagnant week, putting it out there.  Owning my progress, and committing to make some changes.


So here is what I am going to do:


I am going to log every single calorie (maybe a day late, because sometimes life happens) at myfitnesspal.


My username is Meredith713.
I have made my journal public.
I want you to be LOOKING AT IT.


I want you to be checking to make sure that have logged all three meals, and usually snacks.


I need you to know that I have a REALLY hard time eating all of the calories that I am supposed to.  Especially if I have exercised.  In fact sometimes, I quit on a workout because I don't know how on EARTH I would eat back all of the exercise calories.


I know that the statement above is not fair for those of you who are hungry all the time because you are not obese, like me.  (Gosh I hate that word.)  It still feels wrong to be having to eat this much.  But I have consulted with experts, and others who are actively using this plan and have achieved results.  And y'all?  I want results.  (so much so, in fact that I am apparently slipping into a southern accent that is NOT my own.)


But more than that?
I want to live my life on purpose.
And I need to realize that in order to achieve goals, I have to weigh each action.  (Every bite. Every time I decide to sit on the couch instead of get up and move.)


I want my children to see that healthy choices are a way of life, and not something to complain about.


And while I am writing a wish list-
I would love for my 16 month old to sleep through the night.
And I would love for my husband to find a job that was closer to us, or daytime hours during the school year (without a reduction in pay, preferably an increase, ha), or both.




Oh ---- and the 16 month old just said WATER when he wanted some!!
(actually, it came out more like wah-wah, of course, but he was thirsty, and he said wah-wah, and he smiled really, really big when I gave him his water and showed that I understood him!)


One more thing.
I did level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred today.  It felt amazing.  It was hard, and I (mostly) pushed through.  And now my arms are jello. And I couldn't be happier!

Today is the day.

Last night was the turning point.


I reached out for help.
I emailed friends asking for support, and information.


And this morning?


Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds for Abs 2 mile walk (using 3 lb weights)


Finished before 7:30 AM.


29 Push-ups, using the Push-up app for my phone.
34 Squats, using the Squat app for my phone.


Finished before 9:30 AM.


And then I was challenged by a friend on one of my facebook groups to add lunges, so I upped the ante even further, and added jumping jacks.


4 sets of:
20 side lunges, 20 jumping jacks -- all weighted with 3 lb  weights)


Finished before 11:30 AM.


AND --
I have tracked my food and exercise on MyFitnessPal.


-----


Then -- as if that wasn't enough...


I read this amazing post by TMB.  (one of my all-time forever favorite bloggers. Just for the record.)
It's all about being comfortable in your own skin.  With who you are, wherever you are, no matter what is going on around you.


Highlights from her post:


Confidence is beautiful.
Strength is beautiful.
Pride is beautiful.

Express yourself however you'd like. Then, own it.
Understand that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. Then, own it.
Be who you are, even if that's not what everyone wants you to be. Then, own it.


Thank you, TMB....  that was so much affirming the changes that were already in progress in my heart of hearts.




And then I read this post by Lindsay, another Prior Fat Girl.


And it's not so much that I related to where she is right now -- because y'all -- she is happy.  And you know -- I love my life. I love my family, I love my job, I love my Savior.  Things are amazing.  We moved to an awesome home (that is having a new furnace installed at this very moment, thank you Mr. Landlord) in a quaint town that I love being in.


But I am miserable with myself.
I hate looking in the mirror.
I hate feeling out of breath when I do things that I could do easily a few months ago.
I hate that I am not fitting comfortably in my clothes (or my own skin).
I hate that I have lost all of my endurance and stamina on the running front.
I hate that I have lost all of my confidence.


And you know what?
I am finally to the point where I am doing something about it.
Again.


How many times in my life am I going to LET MYSELF  get to that point?


My fervent prayer is that the answer will be NEVER AGAIN. 


Last summer-- I was running.  I was Shredding. I was eating healthy things.


I was losing inches, but not losing ANY weight -- according to the scale.


I got so fed UP WITH IT.


So now ---  I am scared out of my mind to commit to eating 2000 calories a day, and exercise again, because if the scale doesn't move again, I will probably throw it off of my deck.  (And unfortunately, be filled with self-loathing.)


But the alternative to not trying is no longer acceptable.


So here I go.
Half -way through the day of my turning point.


It's GO  time.


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I desperately need community, and accountability, and friends along this journey.
Please... consider becoming my cheerleader/friend.... I'm really good at being that for people, too!


Email me, or comment on this post, or tweet me.