Monday, April 4, 2011

I need a mental overhaul...

I was in a groove.  I was excited to exercise.  I was making good food choices.

And then the scale went UP.
(And I did contortions and made it only go up enough that I could log my weight as staying the same. -- I have an older dial type scale.  Those crazy things work!)

And I got mad.
And then I exercised more... and it hurt.
A lot.
So I let my body recover a bit...  but really, it was that life (read: exhaustion) got in the way.

I suppose that there really is a limit to how many days in a row you can get up before 5AM and stay up until close to 11PM -- and then not even get unbroken sleep (thanks to a brand new one year old) during those scant 5 and a half hours.  It makes sense that things were falling apart like they were.

Moderation has ALWAYS been a problem for me.
That's why I cut off TV.  I start watching one show, I see previews for another, and then soon I have 8 shows a week that I am rushing the kids into bed for and trying to get caught up on.  Wow.  How on EARTH did I do that???

Oh... yeah. I didn't blog.  HA!
Oh yeah... I didn't have a newborn/now one year old until April 4th of last year.

I need to find a balance.
I need to set up a tentative plan, but have the grace with myself for the days that it doesn't happen.

Today, I was totally ready to run my C25K workout.
Freezing rain.
(I don't have a treadmill, or a gym membership. Not complaining.  Just sayin'.)

And.... it was my littlest boys special day.  So I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I opted to just pick him and big brother up from daycare on the way home from work, rather than stopping at home first to do a Leslie Sansone walking workout.

And... yes - I realize that I could be working out right now... but I am blogging.
Sigh.  I don't think that is a problem, yet.  I think that I am working through some very important things here.

1. It is depressing how much FOOD is the focal point of happy occasions and celebrations.  Cake is like the main deal for birthdays.  Cuddle Bug turned ONE, for crying out loud.  The cake was for US.
(And it will be again for my husband before he goes to work tomorrow, and for me and Soccer Boy after dinner tomorrow....)  

2. I have trigger .... um... everythings.  Trigger foods, trigger situations, trigger emotions... you name it.

3. I get frustrated with our financial situation, and our current schedule.  I would love to be the one that did the grocery shopping, but it doesn't work out that way.  I would love for us to always be able to have fresh romaine lettuce, and other vegetables on hand.  I would love for mornings not to be a frantic mess while I try to let my husband get a little more sleep before wake him up to watch the boys as I leave.  I would love for evenings not to be so lonely... just me and the little guys until 10:30pm.  (Hence the up until 11pm most nights...)

4. I eat. Just to eat.  I know that I am not hungry, but I eat anyway.  It infuriates me.
(Enter self-loathing.)

5. I do not believe in myself. I am SCARED TO DEATH of failing at the C25K this second time around.
(I haven't even allowed myself to THINK that... and there it is... right out there in the open.  Wow.)

6.  I am tired. I am tired of not liking the way my clothes fit.  I am tired of hating pictures of myself.  I am tired of.... this cycle.


So. Maybe getting this out there will be all I need.
Maybe hitting publish on this will spur me right into doing the next day of my 100 pushups workout.  Maybe it will get me up and moving for my daily exercise.

Or maybe I will snuggle with my birthday baby, and realize that being their Mommy is more important than agonizing over bad choices. Maybe I could turn them into my motivation for good choices.

I don't know if the desperation is coming through, but it is definitely there.  If you have been there, and can relate- then please-- consider some encouragement.  I am feeling that alone in a crowd feeling, if you know what I mean!